Tag: joke

I got stuff to do…

I don’t have time for this.

…I got stuff to do.

Why is this taking so much of my time?

…I got stuff to do.

Whose idea was this, anyway?

…I got stuff to do.

Wait, this IS part of the stuff I got to do.
Yeah, but I’m not getting paid to do this.
So what. You’re not any good at it anyway.

 

Ok, if you feel that way, I’ll just publish the password and you can go in and erase every word.

Don’t tempt me – I got other stuff to do…

Your next move

Most people spend more time deciding what their next move is in checkers or poker, than they do about their next move in life.

I’ve made some life-changing decisions quicker than choosing what I want to eat from a menu.  And for the most part, I trust my gut for both…

What’s your next move?  Start small and build.

– Chicken or fish?
– Chocolate chip or oatmeal cookies?
– Stay where you are or move on?
– Make the same amount of money, or look for an increase?
– Mediocrity or Living like a King?

 

No one can make a move for you.

If you’re waiting for a tap on the shoulder, or for someone else to make a decision for you, forget it. It ain’t happening.  It’s all on you.

So, what’s it going to be… Chicken of fish?

Fun vs Funny

I think I’m more funny than fun.

Would it kill me not to be so funny all the time?

It almost did one night.

I was invited to a party in Los Angeles, and seated at a table with two of my comedic idols: Dom Deluise and Dick Van Patten – both of who star in my favorite Mel Brooks movies.

Everyone at the table was captivated by Dom, who had a very large presence, and an equally large sense of humor. He was the delight of the table.

Suddenly there was a short lull in the conversation, and I took the opportunity to tell a joke. Not just any joke, but the best one-liner that “kills” every time I tell the story.

Everyone listened intently. I had them right where I wanted them.

…And then it was time for the punch line. I look around the table, and everyone was ready.

Here it comes…. I said the punch line.

And nothing.

All eyes went to Dom Deluise to see if the joke had his approval. Again, nothing, nada, bubkus.

I began to slide down the chair and under the table in pure unadulterated embarrassment.

This joke works EVERY TIME, but tonight.

Then Dom just starts telling another story, and the table energizes again.

I wasn’t funny. I WASN’T FUNNY. I bombed. I sucked!

The Moral: Don’t try to compete with the big dogs. You’re never as funny as you think you are.

And the joke:

A man comes home and finds his best friend in bed with his wife.
He says: “John, I have to, BUT YOU????”

Braggin’ about your life

Why can’t I rave about “things” when “things” are going well.

Why is it socially incorrect to brag?
• I lost 10 lbs.  – let me tell you how I did it.
• My daughter got an award at school – I’m so proud
• I made a big sale at work – here’s how I crushed all the customers’ concerns
• My boss made a dumb mistake – If it were me…
• Do you know how much money I have in the bank? – here’s my bank stmt
• I had the greatest sex of my life last night – Let me show you my “new move”
• I had the best BM yesterday.  OK,.. I get it.  I’ll stop here.

 

Ken